a parched ground: lessons from my desert

There has been no rain recently... Everything has been dry and dead, the heat exhausting and at times, suffocating. Last week we were driving somewhere and Aslan said, "Mommy, it's a desert out there!" All I could say was, "Sure seems that way huh..." Of course I knew it wasn't a desert and at some point the rain would come, but all he knew was that the world around us looked dry and ... crusty. Hello Murfreesboro scenery as of late~

Haha...maybe it's not that bad. Sure seems that way sometimes... It's that time between the suffocating heat and the life giving nourishment that the rain brings... I was sitting outside this morning talking to God about how life in general feels dry... suffocating at times. It's that proverbial place in life... the dreaded transition place... the waiting place.

The Waiting place. It's where things feels certain and incredibly uncertain at the same time. Where 10 minutes ago you were sure of everything and then you look around, and all of a sudden you feel like you are sure of nothing. You know that place... where you've left something behind that had long since overstayed it's welcome, or you've come through a place in life and are moving in a long awaited direction...but not quite there yet. So you're stuck in this weird place and you know you're ready for the next step, at least you knew you were yesterday... then doubt creeps in and the question rises from your soul and whispers "are you really ready? do you have what it takes? you're already tired...weary...bored...a bit, well totally parched from the journey that brought you to this place..." Ok, maybe you don't have those questions :-) but don't you? don't we all? It is such a strange place. It often is a mangled heap of excitement, fear, anticipation, panic, boredom, anxiety, relief. It is that space between the vision and its fulfillment. It is the place where I look at God and say, "What are you doing? or more like "what the mess...this is hard and scary and not at all like I had pictured and that annoys me." (If it offends you that I say "what the mess" to God and tell Him that I get annoyed by the process He takes me through...my apologies. I've found His shoulders are broad enough to handle me :-) In our chat this morning, with all my ramblings about feeling out of His divine loop (as if He owes me an explanation of what He is doing ;-) I looked down and saw a lush patch of green grass in the middle of crusty, dry dirt. It was from a few minutes of rain the night before... amazing. New growth in the middle of a parched ground because of 10 minutes of nourishment. In that moment, He said, "give me time to bring My vision to life from your parched ground. It won't happen over night but it will happen."

Isaiah 35:7 "And the parched ground shall become a pool, and the thirsty land springs of water: in the habitation of dragons, where each lay, shall be grass with reeds and rushes." The transition place is the place between the desert and the pool. It is where we have just slain some of our biggest dragons and are at times, still dealing with the stench of their decay... where all we see is a tender patch of grass~the beginnings of the vision and we are thirsty for more. I do believe it is in this place where we must cling to the promise of the vision, and trust the rain is coming in its perfect timing bringing with it a pool of blessings. New life is around the corner. "The parched ground shall become a pool." Hang tight and don't go for the mirages that are certain to be along the way~ you will likely end up with a mouthful of sand which makes the walk through the desert more uncomfortable than necessary :) He is faithful and usually doing His greatest works in our driest moments. ~ r

Fairy Tales and Tragedies

I have a tendency to be a little flowery about things... Ha, That is the dreamer in me~ the naive girl inside of me that still believes life can be the happily ever-after fairy tale I previously thought. Well, the truth is... life is not a fairy tale nor will it ever be. You probably knew that... I suppose sometimes I do too but the little girl inside me refuses to listen to me. She is a powerful little thing... she is either fairy tales and Disney land or dooms day and death. This is her most recent story to me...

This is what she says happens when you let yourself love someone... lol. I suppose all of us have that little kid inside us that has been hurt or wounded and still speaks to us. Sometimes their voices overpower the adult within us. I am a pretty strong woman. I have left a toxic, dysfunctional marriage that was killing me, managed an apartment, 2 small children, going back to school, working as a waitress (humbling), and all the while have continued to take a moral inventory of myself and my own shortcomings. Lord have mercy, that ain't for the weak at heart... so I tell myself. Truth is, all that strength comes from the Lord. Without Him, I am still a scared little girl wishing, begging, pleading for someone to love me. Mostly I do that on the inside, couldn't stand for anyone to know that is what I'm desperate for. So I let the Lord give me strength, while all the while denying Him access to the remote parts of me that are so wounded, still bleeding. Then comes....

haha...and I'm convinced this will be the icing on the cake. Now you must know, I am not easily persuaded by this notion of love and romance, but on occasion...only 3 in my dating life, have I ever succumbed to it. Every single time, I end with wanting to do this to that cute little shit...

Today, I can say with 100% certainty, I would rather stab myself in the eye with a sharp object than ever fall in love again... but that's today. That's this minute... in 5 minutes I may feel completely different. But probably not... probably be tonight before I change my tune... because nights are always the hardest when you're heart broken because the world has gone quiet. So my current theory... love does suck. It's hard, it hurts, it can be drama... but I have seen enough people happy to know it works for some. Still can't figure out how in the hell they do it... something tells me that if I can just get a hold of the little girl inside me that constantly screams at me "we are gonna die! love sucks! you can't trust anyone..." and heal her~ then maybe I can find some contentment in the quietness of life... with or without the fairy tale...or some distortion of it. lol If I can figure out how to put her here...

and convince her that she is safe there and belongs there now... then growth and security will come. I believe it, I have to believe it... I'll keep you posted on that journey ;-)

Beautiful Scars

This is a blog about restoration, a broken heart, a cracked vessel...

It is a story that speaks to a greater Story. It speaks to the tenderness of a God who reaches into the darkest places, when we have made our bed in hell, and pulls our broken bodies into the light and restores the deepest wounds of our souls.

I hope to always point to the reality that this type of restoration comes at a price...
Christ endured the darkest hell and the deepest pain in order to victoriously reign over every bondage our greatest enemy would ever throw at us. He was broken, His vessel was cracked, blood and water flowed from His body... He was dead and by the power of a great and sovereign God, He was lifted up~ He became Light and His wounds were healed.

He was restored... glorious. Not only was He lifted up, but His wounds were healed, His broken body mended, His cracked vessel gloriously sealed in all places...
Not only was He brought up from the dead, His broken body healed... but He was restored to an even greater glory than before...

Yet in God's infinite wisdom, He left the scars. In His glorious restored and redeemed state, His scars spoke a thousand words. They still do. A glorious story, a beautiful reality.

This is a blog where I hope my scars speaks a thousand words...where my restoration and devotion to Completion shines light at the possibilities of wholeness found in a Savior who was broken... and restored... with scars that heal our wounds.

Scars due to hellacious wounds are a beautiful thing.
We are His beloved, our wounds are His, our brokenness is the gateway to unparalleled light and peace.

That is good news. We are all broken. We all have scars...some of us still bleeding.
Take heart dear one... In Him there is restoration peace.

r~

"the punishment that brought us peace was upon Him,
and by His wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5