Fairy Tales and Tragedies

I have a tendency to be a little flowery about things... Ha, That is the dreamer in me~ the naive girl inside of me that still believes life can be the happily ever-after fairy tale I previously thought. Well, the truth is... life is not a fairy tale nor will it ever be. You probably knew that... I suppose sometimes I do too but the little girl inside me refuses to listen to me. She is a powerful little thing... she is either fairy tales and Disney land or dooms day and death. This is her most recent story to me...

This is what she says happens when you let yourself love someone... lol. I suppose all of us have that little kid inside us that has been hurt or wounded and still speaks to us. Sometimes their voices overpower the adult within us. I am a pretty strong woman. I have left a toxic, dysfunctional marriage that was killing me, managed an apartment, 2 small children, going back to school, working as a waitress (humbling), and all the while have continued to take a moral inventory of myself and my own shortcomings. Lord have mercy, that ain't for the weak at heart... so I tell myself. Truth is, all that strength comes from the Lord. Without Him, I am still a scared little girl wishing, begging, pleading for someone to love me. Mostly I do that on the inside, couldn't stand for anyone to know that is what I'm desperate for. So I let the Lord give me strength, while all the while denying Him access to the remote parts of me that are so wounded, still bleeding. Then comes....

haha...and I'm convinced this will be the icing on the cake. Now you must know, I am not easily persuaded by this notion of love and romance, but on occasion...only 3 in my dating life, have I ever succumbed to it. Every single time, I end with wanting to do this to that cute little shit...

Today, I can say with 100% certainty, I would rather stab myself in the eye with a sharp object than ever fall in love again... but that's today. That's this minute... in 5 minutes I may feel completely different. But probably not... probably be tonight before I change my tune... because nights are always the hardest when you're heart broken because the world has gone quiet. So my current theory... love does suck. It's hard, it hurts, it can be drama... but I have seen enough people happy to know it works for some. Still can't figure out how in the hell they do it... something tells me that if I can just get a hold of the little girl inside me that constantly screams at me "we are gonna die! love sucks! you can't trust anyone..." and heal her~ then maybe I can find some contentment in the quietness of life... with or without the fairy tale...or some distortion of it. lol If I can figure out how to put her here...

and convince her that she is safe there and belongs there now... then growth and security will come. I believe it, I have to believe it... I'll keep you posted on that journey ;-)